%%knife%% -- 2007-06-28 // 1:28 a.m.
I wish I could feel nothing. I forgot how. I hung out with a girl all night last night. She thinks I'm cute, funny and a nice guy. Shes pretty and a nice girl. She gave me her phone number at applebees, the cousin of the bartender. I couldn't do anything, I felt guilty even sitting there flipping through on demand and just talking. I put on my gay friend face and chilled. I lost myself completly to Alyssa. I want to get back with her. I mean I would really really like that, but I can't, theres too much at stake. Like my heart, emotions, my life. I know she'd destroy me and not even care that shes doing it, because she wants to get her way, no compromise. I'm screwed. If I'm with her, I'll be miserable and try to make everything work, try to make everything perfect in vain. If I'm not with her, I'll be miserable and sit here wishing I was with her, wishing everything would work and everything would be perfect. I'm a mess. Have you ever felt so torn apart that everything inside you just feels drained? Like when your laying there, staring at the ceiling for hours and with every minute you can feel the weight of your whole body, especially your arms. sinking. I didn't break in half, they just found me that way at the bottom of the ocean... my spine is intact. just like the titanic.