ok i thought i was done with this, i thought i was done contemplating all of this nonsense. i thought i was free, but most of all i thought i was right. a little sane review gave me some insight on what really happened. but first i have to clear up a few things.

im not josh or you know. i am tony, T O N Y not J O S H. tony does things a little differently=bullshit theorys. assumptions need to die. if they upset you that much then they need to die. you do not ruin my life. you really improved it. you made me realize how the real world works and have taught me at least 2 lessons everyday being around you. not being around you, my thoughts dont all revolve around you anymore. i mean yeah i think about you a lot but only at night and in my dreams which isnt that bad. you have freed me whether i wanted to be free or not.

i am not part of everyone. why do i automatically have to become part of the whole? i never was before and im not now.

i do understand you. i do see through those beautiful green eyes and understand you. i know you and you know me better than anyone. i do understand you but you also understand me more than anyone ever. i just try to confuse you sometimes just to keep you on your toes or i used to hehe. now for the finale.

it was my fault. all my fault. i always thought that you ultimatly fuck up in the end but i was wrong. in this situation i fucked up in the begining. i spent more time denying my love for you, then accepting you. i hurt you so much in the beggining, i know because i looked. i went back and read all your online diaries (well the ones that i know of) and the ones about me causing pain out numbered the ones me making you happy 1 to 20. i liked you way before she ever came into the picture too. i should have dropped everything and kissed you back in february when i had a little inkling that you might actually like me. wait not kiss, be with you. i fucked with your mind so damn much its a wonder how we even got this far. i didnt deserve a chance but you relentlessly gave me one after the other even though i made you shed so many tears. i didnt care, i didnt give a fuck. when i realized that i love you, my sweet dreams began. everything took off for a little bit then came crashing down. a little bit of time for love versus a shit load of time of pain and torture. i emotionally murdered you. most of the time i was torturing you when i should have been loving you. bad beginings equal bad endings. plus in the end i never tried hard enough anyways. you werent at fault, someone as perfect as you could never be at fault for something this bad. i brought this totally on myself.

your very smart. you think of things before they happen. for example:

3:02 p.m. ;; 2002-05-30

Sink

If I could gather all the memories and put them into a box, I would. I'd fold them all neatly so the corners wouldn't tear and line the box with satin. I'd close the lid and turn the key, and hide the box under my kitchen sink so it wouldn't collect dust. Maybe one day I'd bring it out just to lok at it. Think of everything that could have happened, and why I never said what I wanted to. I'll never unlock that box. Never ever ever. It will stay under my sink.

that was months ago...wow that sounds really familiar. i love you. dont tell me what everyone wants you to hear, tell me what you need to. im always here to listen. sorry for the fuck you thing.....i was really mad. ive gotta start trying to control my anger, its really going out of control.

heres a couple of my other favorite entrys of yours.....

10:15 p.m. ;; 2002-06-07

Green

I realized that my eyes are a very pretty green when I cry.

12:20 p.m. ;; 2002-06-08

Melted

I just melted again. I smell like you.

6:47 p.m. ;; 2002-06-09

Love you

Hate to say I told you so, but I love you. Hate to rub it in your face, but I love you. Wish I didn't have to yell it, but I love you. Sorry I keep calling your name, but I love you. It's not my fault I keep staring, it's only because I love you. And those silly songs I play, are just saying I love you. Have I told you lately that I love you?

10:10 a.m. ;; 2002-06-14

Hate hate hate

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

I hate you for ever playing with me, I hate you for ever holding me, for ever kissing me, I hate you for looking in my eyes. But I hate myself even more for letting it get to me and letting myself take it to heart. Arg! I am so stupid. S-t-u-p-i-d. Stupid. stupid. Don't ever do that again. Don't. No.

2:41 p.m. ;; 2002-06-16

Speak

I put everything onto the table and said, "Here, its yours." You stared blankly at me like you coudn't hear me speaking.

2:44 p.m. ;; 2002-06-16

Converse # 1987

Boy: "Why can't you look me in the eye?"

Girl" "Because it makes me sad."

Boy: "...why?"

Girl: "Because your eyes say everything your lips aren't and I wish they were lying."

Boy: "..."

9:03 p.m. ;; 2002-06-18

Sorrys

Flames lick the air wit is silver tongue. Night has many heads, I have but one. And I'm sorry I walked in on you unexpectantly and I'm sorry I never served you chamomile tea. AndI'm sorry I didn't always have a match that could start a fire big enough for your heart to catch. And I'm sorry if my heart breaking ruined your day. Oh well, sometimes it be that way.

And Romeo, was a very nice man. He said, "Jewel, I don't think you quite understand." And I'm sorryif I had to explin it like this, I'm sorry I was a point you were destined to miss. And I'm sorry I spoke to you irreverently down in the hollow by the old olive tree. And I'm sorry if my heart breaking ruined your day. Oh well, sometimes it be that way.

I cannot deal with this. I think too simply to handle anything more. Why does this always happen to me?

This whole "I'm-the-Megan-away-from-Megan,-who-knows-what-Tony's-doing,-I'm-so-gullible" situation totally fucked me up. I don't even remember who I used to be. And when I finally build myself enough to say I'm really really really okay...this happens. In the end, I was the only one to get screwed over. I didn't mean for anything like this to happen. I didn't plan any of this.

Tony, I am so so so so sorry things turned out this way. So sorry. Because of my stupidity...I..I...Remember last summer? God, I could talk to you about anything. And I messed things up.

I am just incredibly lost and can't do anything but cry. I checked and this is water-proof mascara. Yes! I need to quit, I'm going to drive myself to a nose bleed. I just want everything go away. I just want it to stop hurting. I just want it to stop hurting.

8:33 p.m. ;; 2002-06-19

...untitled #45

The world should go away. Or I should. Hey, good Tony thing happened today. Yay. Dad should be boxed up and sent to Bolize.

2:04 p.m. ;; 2002-06-26

Mutual

If I quit and you quit. And we both pretend that nothing ever happened...maybe I'll be able to forget it. I could pretend it was a bad dream. (Not the kind that scare you...but the kind that you don't want to have because they will never come true.) A bad bad....bad...who am I kidding? I'd do it all again in a heartbeat if I was given the chance.

9:47 p.m. ;; 2002-06-26

Should've

[rain]

He was looking away as he said,

-Listen, I don't think things are going to work out between us.-

-Ok,- said she, and exited the car.

-Wait!- he leaned over to the open window, -Don't you want to talk about it?-

-Not particularly.-

-Why not?-

-I'm not interested in me standing here while you tell me what I can do to save the relationship and what all that's wrong with me.-

-I wasn't going to do that. Oh hell, I'll level with you. I just suggested ending things because I wanted to see if you cared enough to beg me to change my mind.-

[pause]

-What?-

She blinked at him, unaware.

-wWhat?-

-Why did you just say that?-

Rain fell between the two. It ran a little river down the bridge of her nose and off her lips. She blinked again, turned and went into the house.

*This is how it should have happened.

4:23 p.m. ;; 2002-06-28

I keep those

Strange isn't it? How one lies to himself over and over without realizing it. If you close your eyes and concentrate real hard, you can imagine almost anything is something else. And that my friend, is what you are genius at.

Don't say you don't care. If you didn't, you would be left without a choice. You are never without a choice because you have mastered the skill of making things what you want them to be. Me, on the other hand, havenot. We won't talk about what I am or am not. I want to forget it.

I want to forget you and the broken pieces and all that cheap glue. Maybe the trick isn't to put the pieces back together, but to forget the pieces and start new again.

This is the last time, I promise.

>>> half sleeping

I wish I didn't smell like you. i think you should go away now. i dont know what it is that i think i cant live without. because whatever it is...im ready to challenge it. i just dont see a point in hanging around any longer if i know that its not welcomed whole heartedly. he means not one ounce of anything he does. maybe because my name is megan also he finds it easy to pretnd that i am her. is that what hes doing? making me into amadon when his eyes are closed and hes laying on my stomach? hes pretending its her stomach...and her lips and her hands touching his. you suck. love sucks. i want to desperatly get this over with...im going to miss him. alot. im half sleeing

posted by Megan @ 10:35 p.m. on 2002-06-28

>>> yes no maybe

I can do this. i can do this. i know i can do this.

i'm going to be gone from the third until the ninth...so that will give me a lot of time to get away from myself. when i come back i will be ok. i won't need Tony. I won't care if he is in love with Amadon. I won't touch him and i'll tell everyone exactly what i'm feeling. never again will i allow myself to be a walking talking distraction.

that's what i was. a distraction. something he could use to take his mind off Amadon. I can accept that. does it hurt? yes. do i care? maybe. will it happen again? no.

posted by Megan @ 1:18 p.m. on 2002-06-29

>>> Too much

I tried so hard to be something to him. It didn't work. I thought it was okay, but it wasn't. I thought I was happy but I'm not.

Don't talk to me as if I treat you badly. Why do you hate me so much? What did I ever do except try to be something? I would bow down to you if you asked me to. I would hold my breath for you. I only wwnt to be your friend. Why aren't things the way they used be? Why does this hurt so much?

posted by Megan @ 9:40 p.m. on 2002-07-12

>>> Looking up

I can't see my hands. I don't even know if my eyes are open.

This is the turning point, and supposedly, everything turns out all right. The days have become slow motion. Stop motion. Stopping traffic with your voice and with your arms.

I am letting myself starve to death because I don't want to bother you with tomorrow and the day after that.

I want to be beauty that falls into people's laps when the are doubled over and love that doesn't hurt. But love that doesn't hurt is a lie.

You tricked me. you liar. you fake. But somewhere along the line you fooled yourself too. So here we are. Here is the sun behind clouds and here are my hands. It doesnt matter where we go from here. I don't need somethng tangible anymore. I have your voice and your heart and your scent in the space between my mattress and bed frame.

Please, just don't let this go to waste.

>>> Pink skies and alcohol.

Tony, remember all those latenight/early morning telephone conversations? The ones where in oblivion, I'd say things that seemingly were just nonsense...see if you remember these...

You are pink skies and you are alcohol. You bring back something I thought I'd lost. And now I know what I'm waking up for; why I continue to breath. I love you for being fickle, for surprising me when I swear I won't be surprised anymore. I know about putting my dreams in your mouth. I don't mind you touching my face, I know you will never be part of my undoing. One day there will be nothing left but the floor, and yu to catch me when the floor splits in two. Maybe I should make a list of all the reasons to keep my eyes open. To keep myself awake despite sleep pulling at my sleeves. I need to stay alert so I don't forget to tell you we are going to feed the pigeons in the park and live inside colors that have no names. And you won't ask why I'm reaching out, you won't have to ask. Because you will know, you already know.

posted by Megan @ 9:01 p.m. on 2002-09-08

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